I know it sounds a bit masochistic but I find breakups interesting from a social and emotional standpoint. And after all, this blog and my sugar life were originally started as a self reflection and social experiment of sorts. It took a twisted turn at some point but my good intentions were there…
Anyhow, whenever I break up with someone it feels very contemplative. In most cases there was a plan B already in place. In some cases (the most interesting ones) there wasn’t. I remember when Serena walked out after giving me a quick kiss. That sucked and I admit it made me depressed. I liked her a lot. And now she is like 34 and married with a home pet. I remember going down to one of my favorite bars in Greenwich Village on 4th street (the Slaughtered Lamb, and no I am not a paid sponsor unfortunately) and taking my place in the corner at the counter with my Financial Times in hand and sipping a little scotch, quietly. As much as I like to think I am smug, that hurt. What also hurt was the fact I was a bit selfish, ‘a taker more than a giver’ as she said. I was offended to hear that. Of course I was married and she was also seeing a lawyer and then a professor in his late 50s (I used to call him gramps) but I was in pain for a few days. And I thought to myself: was I being self destructive ? I mean what did I really expect from these women. Fun, for sure, and in most cases no entanglements. But being human, stuff happened and sometimes they spin out of control. I played with fire and lost. One time, I went back to someone (a few months after the first break up). She seemed hurt when she asked me “Why did you stop seeing me?” I didn’t have a good answer. What could I possibly say? She had done nothing wrong, quite the opposite she was very sweet and bubbly. I guess I just had ADHD and had to move on, always in search of something while missing what was right in front of me. And the pattern repeated itself a few times. Which meant, of course, more trips to 4th street. I found myself feeling isolated like a stranger among other strangers just waking around and noticing all the little details one never noticed before in their usual busy daily lives. Like the stoop on a brownstone and who was sitting on it. Or an architectural feature of an old interesting building. Or a mother carrying a baby.
And true to form I had a first date with an Asian the next day, lol
Sometimes I really wish I was a one woman kind of man. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be, and I found that out at age 18 I thnk that if I had been a bit more patient I would have experienced better relationships with some nice ladies