I was schocked when Anthony Bourdain took his own life, and while I didn’t know him personally I used to go to his restaurant on Park Avenue South for many many years. Apparently he had too many daemons and was depressed.
Depression is a real disease actually. Sometimes our minds can play tricks on us and can wonder into depths they shouldn’t. I don’t recall what had triggered my latest bout but it was probably a bad meeting or an annoying email on a Friday afternoon. When I got home I didn’t really talk to anyone, just went straight to bed and put my head under the pillow. I didn’t sleep though. I was just depressed, so much that I felt physical pain. Not even the company of my trusted cat, Winston, could help.
Then another time (one of the first) in Houston we were out for drinks after work and I was talking to this great blond (the one that got away lol) and she says “Are you lonely” when she saw me looking at the window and then my watch. Wtf. I left in embarrassment a few minutes later lamenting that I didn’t try to pick her up. Too many colleagues around though..I noticed that I do have the tendency to focus on negative things sometimes and when I am idle I get really depressed. I can still function just fine on autopilot but internally I am in pain. Usually gets better a few hours later. Recently it’s been happening more often though. Maybe because I am getting older ? Maybe because I don’t go out on dates ? I wonder if I was using sugaring as a filler for my time, this way I wouldn’t be ide and depressed. Sometimes I instinctively check my email or fake phone number for any texts even though I know there not coming any longer, after my self imposed exile.
So who knows what’s going on , humans are so complicated and each one is different