Depth

I was schocked when Anthony Bourdain took his own life, and while I didn’t know him personally I used to go to his restaurant on Park Avenue South for many many years. Apparently he had too many daemons and was depressed.

Depression is a real disease actually. Sometimes our minds can play tricks on us and  can wonder into depths they shouldn’t. I don’t recall what had triggered my latest bout but it was probably a bad meeting or an annoying email on a Friday afternoon. When I got home I didn’t really talk to anyone, just went straight to bed and put my head under the pillow. I didn’t sleep though. I was just depressed, so much that I felt physical pain. Not even the company of my trusted cat, Winston, could help.

Then another time (one of the first) in Houston we were out for drinks after work and I was talking to this great blond (the one that got away lol) and she says “Are you lonely” when she saw me looking at the window and then my watch. Wtf. I left in embarrassment a few minutes later lamenting that I didn’t try to pick her up. Too many colleagues around though..I noticed that I do have the tendency to focus on negative things sometimes and when I am idle I get really depressed. I can still function just fine on autopilot but internally I am in pain. Usually gets better a few hours later. Recently it’s been happening more often though. Maybe because I am getting older ? Maybe because I don’t go out on dates ? I wonder if I was using sugaring as a filler for my time, this way I wouldn’t be ide and depressed. Sometimes I instinctively  check my email or fake phone number for any texts even though I know there not coming any longer, after my self imposed exile.

So who knows what’s going on , humans are so complicated and each one is different

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One Response to Depth

  1. Angry Gamer says:

    Whelp I’m not surprised at all about Bourdain… After I saw what he was dating.

    Humans are complicated. But also simple around simple needs.
    One of the downsides with sugar is we don’t quite know if we are (SD) are being played.

    Some just ignore it and assume that there is a monetary implied or explicit in any male/female relationship (rich guy douchey). Or they look for a girl who is great and probably has the heart of gold, then she wants to get married ooops (mail order bride), or he finds a girl who plays herself in thinking sugar is a real relationship (wannabe playboy bunny).

    I’ve played all these roles and more. I’m a bit more hardcore about the dynamic in relationships sugar or otherwise these days. I have a sugar girlfriend and a few other girlfriends. One of the things I relish about all my relationships is all of them give a damn about me. Unlike Bourdain (who’s hussy probably didn’t even attend his funeral).

    I insist they are caring or NEXT. I also look at sugar as desert not as a meal. Sugar has taught me so much about Female Psychology that I feel I have taken a Master Class.

    But that’s all sugar is to me anyway. A useful venue to figure out women. Poor Bourdain never figured out women. And when this sloot who he thought was something special slooted it up with another dude he terminally punished himself. Had he been exposed to sugar, had he had a bit more insight to identifying users… then things might have been different.

    We have a simple need for someone to give a damn. In business we don’t usually tolerate single points of failure. Why should we tolerate it in our personal lives?

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