Are sugar daddy / sugar baby relationships toxic?

A friend told me that once, and I said ‘no they are not toxic, they are just connections between individuals’. I still believe it, although now that this particular stage of my life is just about done and I think back, I decided that sometimes of these relationships can be toxic indeed.  The longer you are involved in this, the more crazy or trashy people you have the chance to meet.

In other cases you meet people who you think are your friends but in the end you get totally disappointed once they prove who they really are.  Even hanging out with a group of SB’s at the same time you see the dynamics between them: the cat fights (women!!), undermining each other so they can get the biggest whale of SD, pretending they are friends one minute and as soon as the other one turns her back, out come the knives. And of course let’s not forget the blatant lies. For example, there was one who said ‘Oh, I like to keep many SD’s at the same time’. And the SBs friends of her would be so amazed as to how she was able to fit all these men in her schedule. What she really meant, as it turned out, is that she was working for an escort agency, and of course the lady at the front desk would set up appointments for her and call her up saying ‘Hey you have to meet the next client in 2 hours’. I was present during one of those calls and when I put two and two together my jaw dropped.  She certainly pulled the wool over my eyes!

And then there are some SB who approach this whole lifestyle as if it is some type of career. They quit their jobs and their boyfriends who care about them, and go all out to meet the prospective SDs. Of course we would love to meet and party with you, he he !

I am not trying to minimize the several great relationships I have had with some of the SBs, so I am generalizing here, but I think you get my point.

In other cases, I wonder if any of these women I met in person or online will ever be able to have a normal healthy relationship with a man.  Many will, I hope, but a lot just won’t, unless they develop more maturity in the future. But then again, if one is not mature by the age of, say, 28, when will they grow up?  Sometimes you have to wonder what this type of double life does to these women.  Do they really really think that they can just go through it for years just like that, and then come out intact on the other side?  Some people can hack it, most can’t at least not for more than 1 year. Yes they will get gifts, trips, allowances, college tuition paid up, and all that is great.  But, unless you are a already a solid and mature person in your own right, you will come out as a different person than what you started as, and not always for the best.

A SB asked me if I would be bothered if I found out that my daughter had become an SB. For the risks I outlined above, yes it would bother me.

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10 Responses to Are sugar daddy / sugar baby relationships toxic?

  1. L'enfant terrible says:

    Isn’t that just ’the invisible hand’ in action? If you offer people incentives to take big risks and remove the penalties you’ll get Lehman Brothers. If you give a girl good money for a rump in the sack and remove the penalties (i.e the abuse that sex workers frequently encounter) is it really that surprising that at some point she’ll start to see her body as a commodity and will try to maximize her gains by becoming an escort? As for women who approach the sugar lifestyle as a career, I think that gender roles and socioeconomic status play a large role in their decision.

    As long as I can remember, my grandmother and my aunt were preaching to me that in order to get anywhere in life I needed to find a rich husband (grandma) or a ‘sponsor’ (aunt). I never got along with either of them, not because of some feministic convictions but simply because they were never especially nice to me. So when I found myself in a potential sugar situation at 15, I instinctively rejected the idea, because I didn’t want to become like THEM. But if I’ve had grew up with different family dynamics I would probably have acted differently. I know many women who got screwed up by loving, well-meaning mothers with conservative world views.

    But even liberal minded women can find themselves choosing the conservative route. Nowadays, at twenty, women outlearn men. But most women want to have kids and spend quality time with their offspring. Since no one can build a successful career by working part time, women are essentially left with the choice of either earning enough money in the first ten years of their working life that would carry them through the next two decades or find a man whose income can bridge the wage gap that follow the decision of becoming a mother.

    Generally speaking, women from lower socioeconomic background tent to experience more difficulties in getting high paying jobs due to class issues. On top of that, few men they know earn enough to support a family on a single salary. To those women, it would make more sense to skip the career ambitions and concentrate their efforts on finding either a wealthy man or, more realistically, several providers. Sugar gives them the chance to pursue both.

    Of course this doesn’t explain ALL bad SB behavior. Neither does it excuse it. But I think we would be fooling ourselves if we solely attribute our good behavior to our superior character. Opportunities, incentives and penalties greatly influence our actions.

    My point is: Although not inherently detrimental, I think it’s very hard for a sugar relationship to NOT become toxic at some point due to the aforementioned external circumstances that affect the type of women who are likely to engage in this kind of arrangement. So don’t judge the SB:s so harshly… blame the market forces instead ;D

  2. Mr. Market is everything, everywhere, and always

  3. Monika says:

    Just came across your blog…it seems as if as time goes on, your opinion on sugar sours a little and your overall feeling about the whole idea is somewhat negative, lol!
    I think that it is important for both SBs and SDs to know when to leave sugaring behind. It’s not something you want to do forever.

  4. Hi Monika,
    well I am not really that negative, nor am I positive. It is what it is, it is fun, I met a whole lot of good folks and also lots of borderline sociopaths! But like you said, you gotta know when to hold them and when to fold them!
    Sometimes I think I over did it though

  5. Amy says:

    I’ve a sugar daddy and I’m seeing him for the last couple of months. It all started out pretty well but now SD is being possessive, he doesn’t like the idea of me being with my bf and he started hating the fact that I have a life apart from him. He is married an we both are aware that our relationship has no future. So, from my point of view, I think this SB/SD relationship is detrimental.

  6. Hi Amy: it probably is a good idea to move on. If he is being possessive and hating the fact you have a boyfriend, it doesn’t sound very good. Just let him go gently so he doesn’t blow up

  7. stella says:

    What is going on? I have to agree with Monica, seems you’re slowly giving in to the sour side of the force. You’re usually so upbeat and quite a bit nostalgic. You play the open-minded, progressive gentleman to the beat and it’s just fascinating and intriguing enough for me to continue reading your blogs. But this one entry is quite a downer. The first thought that came to mind: double-standard. But I’ll skip that cause… well I’ve got issues with that.
    It seems to me, you just got a glimpse of what it takes to run the show. I just started going to night clubs (I haven’t been 21 in quite a while though) and wow what an eye opener! Women go through quite some lengths just to get some attention, I find it quite absurd. And again, just for attention cause many don’t even, well… put out at the end of the night. Still you can imagine how much more competitive it must be in Sugar-verse where there is so much to gain. Cattiness is sometimes the law of the land, but some of us hide it better than others cause we’re supposed to be ladies. It’s like going to a magic show, you want to be amazed but you don’t want to know how it’s done.
    Moving on, being an SB is in many ways like a career. There’s the interviewing with potentials, the profile… and sometimes a complete make over is needed in order to succeed. I.E. having skipped the one class in high school in which girls are taught to be girly, I had to learn to wear stilettos to make me desirable (marketable). I had a hunch that maybe my predilection for flannel PJ’s as casual wear might lessen my appeal. I’d go into more detail but when the rule of thumb is don’t get emotional… it pretty much means business.
    But really, can you blame a girl for turning this into a career? You get pampered, have sex, get treated like a lady, have sex, get to know people and an environment you wouldn’t have otherwise, get an allowance, and even have sex. Look, even the most needy single mother has plenty of options. But the ones who come here do so because of the complete package… see, some of us have a more holistic approach to things. It’s all about knowing when to switch careers.
    Lastly, please give us a break. Normal, healthy relationship? Maturity? Double-life? – Double Standard much? I think so.

  8. Hey stella thanks for reading. I agree with everything you said including me having double standards! I am a very self aware and honest indvidual, by the way. And I understand why women love the sugar thing: its the great treatment they get, that they wouldn’t perhaps come across any other way. So, no arguments here.
    But I am telling you, as a man, sometimes I just see the lenghts that some ladies go to, and can’t help but to just shake my head…

    • Tim says:

      I’m a sugar daddy and it is so confusing. I have been in and out of a sugar relationship with the same woman for over 2 years. It can be great or it can be horrible. We argue and fight about all sorts of things and that is why I don’t want another sugar baby ever but this woman seems to get me every time. I’m over the whole sugar thing big time but I don’t want to hurt her again by leaving.

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